JOKE PAGE

1) A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you."

2) The Golf Game
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf
club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what
happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet
round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the
cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over and lifted up the
tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

3) Newlyweds

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although 
very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and
party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right 
back..."


"Where are you going coochy cooh...?", asked the wife.  "I'm going to the 
bar, pretty face.  I'm going to have a beer." 


The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door
to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. 


The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of 
saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen 
glass...".  He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts 
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face"?  She takes a huge beer 
mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it. 


The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar 
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long.  
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" 


"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?"  She opens the oven and takes out 15 
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:  chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, 
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. 


"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and 
all that..."   

The wife looks at him and said:
"You want some dirty words cutie pie? SIT THE FUCK DOWN - DRINK YOUR FUCKIN' 
BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKIN' MUG - EAT YOUR FUCKIN' SNACKS - 
YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE FUCKIN' BAR !!!   GOT IT, ASSHOLE ?!?!"

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4) Bra Sizes

 Ever wonder why A, B, C, D, E, F are used to define bra sizes?
   Well now u do
   A - Almost Boobs
   B - Barely there
   C - Can Do
   D - Damn good
   E - Enormous
   F - Fake

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 5)  Golf Decisions

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?"

They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it, and they would see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his 'you-know-what' is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

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6) The Lost Chapter of Genesis

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history....

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7) IRISH GOLFER

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does, in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But, if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."

"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once...sometimes twice a week."

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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8) Just to brighten your day. Some great one liners to tell around the lunchtable today or the bar tonight.

1. What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

2. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

3. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

4. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

5. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

6. Why are men and parking spaces alike?

Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

7. Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

11. What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

12. Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

13. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

14. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your dad.

15. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

Say, "Nice Dick."

16. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

17. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

18. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

Are you sure it's mine?"

19. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are over $1 and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

20. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

21. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?

Divorce proceedings most likely.

22. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?

Everyone has the same DNA.

23. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

24. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

25. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.

26. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

27. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future either.

28. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

29. What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A Pimp.

30. Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

31. What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

32. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck?"

Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo."

33. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

Row, row, row your boat.

34. What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t.

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10) Caught Speeding

There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible LK. He took off down the road, sped it up to 80 mph and enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and accelerated it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror, and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him -- blue lights flashing and siren blasting.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, so he floored it and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch, "my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go with a warning."

The man looked at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."

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11) Court Case

Defense Attorney:              What is your age?
Little Old Woman:              I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:              Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman:             There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:              Did you know him?
Little Old Woman:             No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:              What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Woman:             He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:              Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman:             No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:              Why not?
Little Old Woman:             It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:             What happened next?
Little Old Woman:            He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney:             Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman:            No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:             Why not?
Little Old Woman:            Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:             What happened next?
Little Old Woman:            Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him......"Take me.... young man... Take me!"
Defense Attorney:             Did he take you?
Little Old Woman:            Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fools!!"...And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

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12) Virgin Woody

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."

Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies,...... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!

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13)

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14) Bad Excuses

Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

15) Busted!

16) Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?

A: A man will look for a golf ball!

17) Q: What's the difference between a drug dealer and a pimp?

A: The pimp can wash off the crack and resell it.

18)

Two women were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"

19) ADULT SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

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