Joke Page #2
5) Actual church bulletin bloopers
10) He dreams of being between a rock and a hard place
14) And, last but not least, is this your boss?
Bizarre Laws
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
(umm ok, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals
must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by
death. (OK, like THAT makes sense... )
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see
their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies
to undertakers; the sex organs of the decease must be covered with a brick or
piece of wood at all times. (a brick?????)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (wonder< how they
enforce that one??)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilegeof having sex for the
first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry. (now let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in
the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband,
but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover, on the other hand,
may be killed in any mannerdesired.)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish
stores. (of course!!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first
time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder
at the thought)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her
daughter at the same time. (...we have to presume this was a big enough problem
that they had to pass this law...?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?)
ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETIN AND SERVICE BLOOPERS.
OUR NEXT SONG IS "ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD GET HIGH.
DON'T LET WORRY KILL YOU - LET THE CHURCH HELP.
REMEMBER IN PRAYER THE MANY WHO ARE SICK OF OUR CHURCH AND COMMUNITY.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE CHILDREN AND DON'T KNOW IT, WE HAVE A NURSERY
DOWNSTAIRS.
WEIGHT WATCHERS WILL MEET AT 7 P.M. AT THE FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH. PLEASE USE
LARGE DOUBLE DOOR AT THE SIDE ENTRANCE.
JEAN WILL BE LEADING A WEIGHT-MANAGEMENT SERIES WEDNESDAY NIGHTS. SHE USES THE
PROGRAM HERSELF AND HAS BEEN GROWING LIKE CRAZY!
THE ROSEBUD ON THE ALTAR THIS MORNING IS TO ANNOUNCE THE BIRTH OF DAVID ALAN
BELZER, THE SIN OF REV. AND MRS. JULIUS BELZER.
THIS AFTERNOON THERE WILL BE A MEETING IN THE SOUTH AND NORTH ENDS OF THE
CHURCH. CHILDREN WILL BE BAPTIZED AT BOTH ENDS.
TUESDAY AT 4:00 P.M. THERE WILL BE AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL. ALL LADIES GIVING MILK
PLEASE COME EARLY.
WEDNESDAY THE LADIES' LITURGY WILL MEET. MRS. JOHNSON WILL SING "PUT ME IN
MY LITTLE BED" ACCOMPANIED BY THE PASTOR.
THURSDAY AT 5:00 PM THERE WILL BE A MEETING OF THE LITTLE MOTHER'S CLUB. ALL
LADIES WISHING TO BECOME "LITTLE MOTHERS" WILL MEET WITH THE PASTOR IN
HIS STUDY.
THIS BEING EASTER SUNDAY, WE WILL ASK MRS. LEWIS TO COME FORWARD AND LAY AN EGG
ON THE ALTAR.
THE SERVICE WILL CLOSE WITH "LITTLE DROPS OF WATER." ONE OF THE LADIES
WILL START QUIETLY AND THE REST OF THE CONGREGATION WILL JOIN IN.
NEXT SUNDAY A SPECIAL COLLECTION WILL BE TAKEN TO DEFRAY THE COST OF THE NEW
CARPET. ALL THOSE WISHING TO DO SOMETHING ON THE CARPET WILL COME FORWARD AND DO
SO.
THE LADIES OF THE CHURCH HAVE CAST OFF CLOTHING OF EVERY KIND. THEY CAN BE SEEN
IN THE CHURCH BASEMENT SATURDAY.
THURSDAY NIGHT-POTLUCK SUPPER. PRAYER AND MEDICATION TO FOLLOW.
THE LUTHERAN MEN'S GROUP WILL MEET AT 6 P.M. STEAK, MASHED POTATOES, GREEN
BEANS, BREAD AND DESSERT WILL BE SERVED FOR A NOMINAL FEEL.
A BEAN SUPPER WILL BE HELD ON TUESDAY EVENING IN THE CHURCH HALL. MUSIC WILL
FOLLOW. 8 NEW CHOIR ROBES ARE CURRENTLY NEEDED, DUE TO THE ADDITION OF SEVERAL
NEW MEMBERS AND TO THE DETERIORATION OF SOME OLDER ONES.
THE SENIOR CHOIR INVITES ANY MEMBER OF THE CONGREGATION WHO ENJOYS SINNING TO
JOIN THE CHOIR.
AT THE EVENING SERVICE TONIGHT, THE SERMON TOPIC WILL BE "WHAT IS
HELL?" COME EARLY AND LISTEN TO OUR CHOIR PRACTICE.
THE PREACHER WILL PREACH HIS FAREWELL MESSAGE, AFTER WHICH THE CHOIR WILL SING,
"BREAK FORTH WITH JOY."
THE EIGHTH GRADERS WILL BE PRESENTING SHAKESPEARE'S "HAMLET" IN THE
CHURCH BASEMENT ON FRIDAY AT 7 P.M. THE CONGREGATION IS INVITED TO ATTEND THIS
TRAGEDY.
PLEASE JOIN US AS WE SHOW OUR SUPPORT FOR AMY AND ALAN IN PREPARING FOR THE
GIRTH OF THEIR FIRST CHILD.
SCOUTS ARE SAVING ALUMINUM CANS, BOTTLES AND OTHER ITEMS TO BE RECYCLED.
PROCEEDS WILL BE USED TO CRIPPLE CHILDREN.
THE ASSOCIATE MINISTER UNVEILED THE CHURCH'S NEW GIVING CAMPAIGN SLOGAN LAST
SUNDAY: "I UPPED MY PLEDGE --- UP YOURS"
Read Me File for Girlfriend Software
Girlfriend 1.0
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and
I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the
same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary
application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have
always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies
won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the
sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't
find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them
separately, and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have
a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to
abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I
probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I
thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted
a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said
I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0,
and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run
properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed
GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone,
but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I
had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.=20
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I
used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus
protection program. It worked okay for a while until I
discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I
tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know
about that automatically senses the presence of any other
version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way,
which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The
version I have now works pretty well, but there are still
some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is
written in some obscure language I can't understand, much
less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention
paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your
hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And
I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally
"object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his
version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a
Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He
discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if
you don't upgrade to Fianc=E9e 1.0. So he did, but soon after
that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a
huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he
can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he
decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with
FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to
FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up
system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask
for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to
try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of
insufficient resources.
