JOKE PAGE

Joke 8: New Words for Dictionary - submitted by Bob Wagner

Joke 9: Saddam's Remaining Family - submitted by Bob Wagner

Three Bullets - from Bob McDonald

Three Bullets!!!
> This is one of the funniest ones we have had in a long time !!!!!
> > > A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a
> > > masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.

> > > Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the
> > bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy
> > > daughters and a son.
> > > >
> > > > They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room
> > > in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.
> > > > "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
>The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
> > > >
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her
> not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
> > > >
> > > > A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay,"says the
> > > > mother, " I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet
>came out."
> > > "No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

Ride, Sali, Ride

> >> > > The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur
> >> > > Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told
> >> > > Arthur,
> >> > > "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed
> >> > > the
> >> > > world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in
> >> > > Heaven."
> >> > >
> >> > > Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
> >> > > out
> >> > > with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced
> >>him
> >> > > to
> >> > > God.
> >> > >
> >> > > God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
> >> > > invented motorcycles, eh?!"
> >> > >
> >> > > Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
> >> > >
> >> > > God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
> >> > > that's
> >> > > pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a
> >> > > road?!"
> >> > >
> >> > > Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me
but
> >> > > aren't
> >> > > you the inventor of woman???"
> >> > >
> >> > > God said, "Ah, yes."
> >> > >
> >> > > "Well," said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some
> >>major
> >> > > design flaws in your invention.
> >> > >
> >> > > 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
> >> > > 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
> >> > > 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
> >> > > 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
> >> > > 5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!
> >> > >
> >> > > "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
on."
> >> > > God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
> >> > > waited
> >> > > for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
> >>read
> >> > > it.
> >> > > "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
> >>Arthur,
> >> > > "but
> >> > > according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
> >> > > yours."

How to Truly Be Happy in This Old Crazy World

Subject: One Ugly Frog

> > >>An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided that she needed a
> > >>pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went.
> > >>Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest,
> > >>except this one ugly frog.
> > >>
> > >>As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at
> > >>her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too; buy me and you won't be
> > >>sorry."
> > >>
> > >>The older lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found
> > >>anything else. So she bought the frog and went to her car.
> > >>
> > >>Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me; you
> > >>won't be sorry." So the older lady figured what the heck, and
kissed the frog.
> > >>
> > >>Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, and
very handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and do
> > >>you know what the older lady turned into?
> > >>
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >>
> > >>Come on, guess.........
> > >>
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >>
> > >> ..... The first motel she could find. ( She's just older, NOT DEAD!

> > > > Schwartzenegger has a big one
> > > > Michael J. Fox has a small one
> > > > Madonna doesn't have one
> > > > The Pope has one but doesn't use his
> > > > Clinton uses his all the time
> > > > Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
> > > > Liberace never used his on women
> > > > Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
> > > > Cher claims that she took on 3
> > > > We never saw Lucy use Desi's
> > > > What is it?
> > > > Answer below!
> > > > ...
> > > >
> > > > ...
> > > > .
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > ..
> > > > ...
> > > > ....
> > > > ...
> > > > ....
> > > > ....
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > The answer is:....... "A Last Name."

Quit complaining about your job
> > >

Optical Illusion

Subject: New words

There's bound to be at least a couple of these you like...

Essential New words for 2003 editions of the work place vocabulary handbook.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.

Assomosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Meerkat Madness: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake, coffee and doughnuts.)

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Sitcoms: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Adminishpere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the common worker. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

This is often affiliated with the dreaded "Administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Woofys: Well Off Older Folks.

Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to Meerkat Madness.

>Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

>Among the brothers:

> Sooflay ............the restaurateur

> Guday...............the half-Australian brother

> Huray...............the sports fanatic

> Sashay..............the gay brother

> Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother

> Sayhay..............the baseball player

> Ojay................the stalker/murderer

> Gulay...............the singer/entertainer

> Ebay................the internet czar

> Biliray.............the country music star

> Ecksray.............the radiologist

> Puray...............the blender factory owner

> Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother

> Tupay...............the one with bad hair

>Among the sisters:

> Lattay..............the coffee shop owner

> Bufay...............the 300 pound sister

> Dushay..............the clean sister

> Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house

> Sapheway............the grocery store owner

> Ollay...............the half-Mexican sister

> Gudlay..............the prostitute

> And finally, there is Oyvey. But the family doesn't like to talk about him.